Who's following me?

   We are a ministry family. I am a pastor's wife. We planted a church 5 years ago. And so it is established now and God is growing it. We have two services and some large commitments. Often it feels lonely and overwhelming and unsure. I wish I could say that I am always confident in our direction and God's leading. I wish that I could give an awesome testimony of unwavering faith and immediate obedience. I wish that I could say that I am content in God alone and need no one but Him. But I cannot do any of those things. I am often fearful and unsure, questioning and unfaithful, doubting searching and looking for some one to go with me, to give me answers and reassurance. I know that I have been given the Holy Spirit and all of His power of assurance, guidance and direction. And we meet up at times. There are days when He feels like my closest friend and only confidant. I desire Him above all others. But those days are few and far between. I wish they were more continuous and regular.
  And so I struggle. I sin and look around me. I find myself looking around at others and judging. I get angry at their refusal to commit to my journey. I want them to come along and to agree with me. I get upset if I am going alone. And as holy as I want to see myself, as committed and dedicated , sacrificial, I am not. I am sad, insecure and afraid. In reality, I am angry at their refusal to validate me, to say I am right, to meet my needs. That is not their job and it is a sin to even look for those things from them. Instead I should be looking ahead and being obedient even if it means I go alone with only the validation and assurance of my Lord.
   How can ever show others the grace of God and that he is worth the sacrifice when I am looking behind and questioning? Oh ye of little faith....Oh my little faith. If He's enough, if He is faithful, then my life will be about following Him and not about who's following me.