When did we get this way...

So what happened to us? When did we become these peole who value nice things and good looks and fame over other real live people? When did I decide that a new purse or a chocolate cookie was what would make me feel whole inside? When did that idea ever make sense...that something so trivial and temporary and insignificant fill the void in my soul? Where did these deep insecurities come from that drive me to be so judmental and callous and selfish towards other people?

I know the answers to all of this and how to remedy it...but sometimes I am still amazed at the depravity within.

And yet He still loves and provides, chastens and delivers, loves and listens, rescues and redeems. All is not lost. In fact, hope abounds.

Ah denial...the constant companion

Why is it that we all continue to deny things...even when something is obvious? Why is it that we will look over something that is so plain in front of us? At times it would be less painful to accect the truth than to perpetuate the denial. But I and others seem to forever be caught in the trap of lying to ourselves or of believing the lies spun by whomever. Just today I am facing my own situation where I have known deep down the truth but would rather self-destruct than own up to it. Well no more my friend! If only it were that easy though to shed a lie that you have lived with for so long. It is ingrained in my existence, my identity to the point that I feel like I don't know who I am at times. But then I remember that I do know and never really lost anything. Someone kind was just helping me to shed a hindering and cripling falsehood that I should have never believed in the first place. So thank you God for the freedom you have granted me from the lies of unworthiness I have been telling myself for so long. Now just help me to see me as you see me.

Down the Rabbit Hole...

So the past few days, I have understood the journey of Alice. I have been chasing the elusive truth in my life like it was the white rabbit. It is there...so close and yet out of reach. I feel as if I just can't stretch far enough. Maybe the rabbit isn't running. I have a nagging feeling that I've stopped running for awhile now. I've come to the crossroads. I know where God wants to take me and he's telling me there isn't room for all of my stuff. I want to go where He's leading but there's still something that I know will simply have to die; and I don't know if I can let it. It's been apart of me for so long...and I really can't understand why I want to keep it so much. It has never been right or worked right or been consistent or even good to me. I am scared to think that it has possibly never even been real or tangible at all. I just have no guarantees. And I stupidly, insanely think this time I'll make it work...therefore I don't need the help from God. But that part is small and stupid. I need him because I am tired of failing at this and I'm tired of trying to control this when it's never been in my power to control it. I just want to let it go and not look back.

Maybe tomorrow...I'm going to have to decide...and trust...and go forward...for real this time.