In arrogance we trust...

   I am often appalled at myself and others. I find our arrogance to be astounding and repulsive. I say our because lest I mortify the sin ( that more in a later blog) I too find that I abound with the repugnant smell of pride and arrogance.  We tout our opinions left and right as if they were pearls of wisdom from on high. We let our tongues run amiss with our self centered thoughts and ideas without any sort of restraint or forethought or without regard to the consequences to others. We preciously guard our right to our opinion and wrap it about us like a warm and comforting blanket, promising the security and validity of our thoughts. However, we expect others to give up what we value so much when standing in the presence of our opinions.
  Sadly, I can lose count of the times when I have valued my opinion over another person. Being free to say what was on my tongue became more important and prized than anyone who might be within earshot.  Oh the grief I have felt over this. To cringe and and mourn over the way I aggressively and forcefully and mercilessly expressed my opinions over things important and things inconsequential.  Shame and regret, sometimes they still haunt me...especially now that I know better, now that I know the true purpose for my life and that it is not about me. In 1 Corinthians, Paul speaks over and over again about his restraint in using any kind of talk or rhetoric...anything that would draw the glory away from God. He keep reiterating the point that it is all about the Gospel. And no where do our opinions find a home when we seek to pursue our true purpose in this life.
   We have liberty and grace in Christ, but our liberty and grace is not to come at the expense of others. And our opinions are exactly that...our opinions. Most are about things to which there can be no right or wrong...simply shades of variety which make us all unique and interesting. Yet for such foolishness, we risk the soul of another who may not know the love and acceptance we feel from Christ. We would rather feel vindicated by the approval of others than to know the true intimacy that comes with submission to God and the yielding of our rights and opinions to Him. As ever, I will daily struggle in this fight as well. But that is the difference...the fight against and not the surrender to sin.

the dangerous bliss of ignorance

   Sometimes there are things that bother me on the inside. They are nagging and consuming. I get really good at trying to function over them. But it's like the bur in your shoe that's keeps irritating that soft part of your foot that's not yet calloused. And it's like the beach ball that you push under the water...constantly struggling to come to the surface. eventually your arms get tired and out it comes, making a huge splash when it's out. And so here I am all wet from the struggle to stay ignorant.
   Sometimes I hurt deep down and I get tired. I get to the point where I am angry and frustrated and mean and mostly just sad. I just get really sad and scared. And I feel like it's all just in pieces around me. And it's so overwhelming to pick them up and actually deal with them. So I walk away and ignore them again. The bur forever irritating the raw place, the soft hurting place in my soul. I avoid Him. I walk away from God. I dance around Him and just go about my life getting only as close as I have to...because it is just too hard to deal with the mess I have on my hands.
   But all along I am hurting myself in many ways. I do things to sabotage and destroy my own self.  My body starts to hurt itself. I start to self destruct, to implode upon myself...except I manage to spray those around me with debris.  And I thought I was hiding it so well....I thought it would just stay there if I left it alone.
   But I picked it up when He laid it there for me find. And I asked for it. I asked Him to show me who I am, what I do, why I feel this way...constantly fearful, constantly hurting. He was faithful...and I couldn't deal. I fell backwards and embraced my sin like an old friend with all the familiar ways. As if there was comfort there.
   Forgive me father for walking away from you when the way was too hard. Forgive me for the lack of courage  and the lack of faith in you to provide the strength I needed to walk forward. My life isn't real in my hands. It is a sham. My life is a meaningless exercise in survival, a desperate attempt to find my place, and to find validation among those who cannot and will not give it. I run from person to person trying to make a perfect life for all...making a perfect Amber that can please everyone and offend no one. I so desperately want to be good enough, to be okay...to go one day without having to please everyone.everyone but you that is.I feel so foolish because I know all these things are found in You. And yet here i am heart in hand trying to start over again. Please help me...