the dangerous bliss of ignorance

   Sometimes there are things that bother me on the inside. They are nagging and consuming. I get really good at trying to function over them. But it's like the bur in your shoe that's keeps irritating that soft part of your foot that's not yet calloused. And it's like the beach ball that you push under the water...constantly struggling to come to the surface. eventually your arms get tired and out it comes, making a huge splash when it's out. And so here I am all wet from the struggle to stay ignorant.
   Sometimes I hurt deep down and I get tired. I get to the point where I am angry and frustrated and mean and mostly just sad. I just get really sad and scared. And I feel like it's all just in pieces around me. And it's so overwhelming to pick them up and actually deal with them. So I walk away and ignore them again. The bur forever irritating the raw place, the soft hurting place in my soul. I avoid Him. I walk away from God. I dance around Him and just go about my life getting only as close as I have to...because it is just too hard to deal with the mess I have on my hands.
   But all along I am hurting myself in many ways. I do things to sabotage and destroy my own self.  My body starts to hurt itself. I start to self destruct, to implode upon myself...except I manage to spray those around me with debris.  And I thought I was hiding it so well....I thought it would just stay there if I left it alone.
   But I picked it up when He laid it there for me find. And I asked for it. I asked Him to show me who I am, what I do, why I feel this way...constantly fearful, constantly hurting. He was faithful...and I couldn't deal. I fell backwards and embraced my sin like an old friend with all the familiar ways. As if there was comfort there.
   Forgive me father for walking away from you when the way was too hard. Forgive me for the lack of courage  and the lack of faith in you to provide the strength I needed to walk forward. My life isn't real in my hands. It is a sham. My life is a meaningless exercise in survival, a desperate attempt to find my place, and to find validation among those who cannot and will not give it. I run from person to person trying to make a perfect life for all...making a perfect Amber that can please everyone and offend no one. I so desperately want to be good enough, to be okay...to go one day without having to please everyone.everyone but you that is.I feel so foolish because I know all these things are found in You. And yet here i am heart in hand trying to start over again. Please help me...