A Faithless Intro

  I have been putting off new blogs because the next one I feel led to write is hard. And it has been a journey, a process for a few months. I haven’t exactly finished this journey either, and probably won’t this side of heaven. I have been reading a book about theology, Practical Theology for Women by Wendy Horger Alsup . My husband gifted it to me for mother’s day two years ago. And I am currently leading two ladies discipleship groups through it. So the discussion for us and for me at the beginning of the book is about faith. For me thus far it has been an exploration into my lack of faith.

   Anyway, I know this is my next topic for hashing out on here but I really have felt like I needed to figure it out first.  However, I see now that if I tarry, this blog will just never get written. Moreover, I think my next few posts will be about me figuring out why I don’t have faith. This is the journey that God and I have been on since August and subsequently all of the other issues that have come up as a result of this mucking around. Hopefully, I will do this justice.

One Body

¹²For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³Forin one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

 ¹⁴For the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? ¹⁸But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

 ²¹The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." ²²On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, ²⁴which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, ²⁵that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. ²⁶If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

1. -1 Corinthians 12:12-26
   
   

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   1.  My heart is heavy tonight. It is weighted down by the news of tragedy. It seems that this kind of news has been coming too often these days. And it is unsettling to know that such horrors and sufferings go on in this world. But to then be brought nearer to it through the suffering of someone you know is hard to comprehend. My husband has been preaching through 1 Corinthians. We have been working through chapter 12 for two weeks now. Last night and today he spoke of us being one body in Christ. Unity is Paul’s theme all throughout this book but this particular passage is heady and full of strong implications for us as believers.

1.  Once we are Christ’s we become a part of the greater body that God is building and creating. We are joined not by church or denomination or race or wealth or poverty. We simply are one, joined by the shed blood of Christ and his love for us. In turn we are called to love each other. We are called to love each other as we love ourselves. I don’t think we truly understand or practice that. My husband asked each person to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the petty opinions and divisions that were keeping them from being unified with each other and with God. That was enough in and of itself to think on for weeks but there was still more and this is what I have been thinking on for some time and yet here it is again.

1. Verse 26 says that if one of this body suffers we all suffer together. I feel that our natural response is to think within our local church body. And that is most certainly true as our church has found out recently. But I think this is deeper and needs to go out beyond the scope of the people we worship with but also with all believers everywhere. There is too much at stake and too much suffering to allow ourselves to be isolated and self-centered. I think about our city and the people here that are hurting. There have been divorces, a murder, a suicide, a car accident, cancers and heart attacks and so much more just in our community. I am not the nexus but just one of the many in a body that is suffering because others around us are suffering. And there is more, so many more hurting and needing to be loved by a body of believers who loves them.

1.  But even as I am heavy with sadness, there is also celebration. The rest of the verse says if one member is honored, we all rejoice together. For while there has been tragedy, there has also been miraculous healing, reconciliations, salvations and provision. Our hearts can celebrate with each other when good things happen to a member of the body. We have had tears twice at our house tonight. One was death and sadness. The other was death and happiness. Our church has partnered with a missionary in Guatemala. They will soon be taking their second trip to minister to the impoverished people and bring supplies and money to build new homes. The missionary wrote today of a little boy who had become ill many years ago and was unable to stand or walk or even lift his head for many years. Today this boy died. But the missionary wrote about a boy who loved Jesus and called out to God to take him to be with him. The missionary told of a family who loved God and were sad to lose their child but knew who he was with tonight. The missionary spoke of the child now being whole and healthy and able to run as he hadn’t in many years. This boy’s life and death is a story of celebration. Something else occurs to me now. I know that all things in this life- good and bad exist to show the glory of God. And sometimes that takes much faith to remember. But in this instance we get to see how God is glorified in suffering. How this small child loved and believed even in the midst of his suffering. His parents displayed God’s glory in their loss. God’s love for us is so clear as we know that He took this little boy out of his suffering and restored him in heaven. The glory of God is great and as a body we also exist to bring God glory. It is imperative whether through shared suffering or shared celebration that we remember to be one body unified through one spirit, one God.

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"For the good.."

²⁸And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ²⁹For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. –Romans 8:28-29

Sometimes things just have a way of sticking with you. A thought will hang around you like a gnat that just buzzes and buzzes in your ear. My mind can be like a dog with a bone, just determined to gnaw its way through until the entire thing is devoured. I became reacquainted with Romans 8:28 a few months ago. It came up during a conversation with God about fear of the hard things in life. This conversation was leftover from some dealings that God and I had around Christmas time where I had to ask myself if I really trusted Him no matter what happened to me or those that I care about. And now I warn you that the rest of this post is going to go in a direction that most people are uncomfortable with. I am going to talk about some things that do not conform with the image of God we create for ourselves. (Reference the blog on God’s Prerogative.) And I will admit that at first, I was a little uncomfortable with this as well. However, I am very loyal to God. Sometimes I am loyal to being loyal, if I am being honest. But I have yielded enough to the Holy Spirit so that he has grown me to the place where when faced with something that doesn’t fit into what I think I know about God, I will listen and admit that the error in understanding is probably on my part and not some flaw of God’s.

So here in lies Romans 8:28 and 29. God works all things in our lives for good. That is a fabulous verse to cling to. It is like peace and comfort and sunshine and rainbows all right there. (John Owen would have many things to say about this, but that is for another time.) It’s like here is the go to verse when life is hard. But in our own ignorance, we don’t read and fully understand this verse. We can get a clue in verse 29. We are supposed to look like Jesus and not ourselves. We are wicked and self-loving through and through. There is nothing innocent or pure or good about us. (If that statement is troubling you 1.You are not alone but 2.you should address why that is bothering you with God.) And unfortunately we are stubborn and hardheaded on the best of days. But most of the time we are rebellious, defiant and insisting on our ways. So the hope that we will conform to Christ’s image simply because we will completely surrender to God when faced with our sinfulness is pretty much just that…a hope. In reality, it takes the careful molding of God to change us into anything remotely resembling Christ. And He does this through the events of our life. Sometimes it’s little mundane things. Other times He orchestrates monumental happenings in our lives. Sometimes we are changed by God’s glorious provision and blessing. Yet other times, tragedy reshapes us into something beautiful as we learn the true character of God in our hours of greatest need. God is sovereign and His love is unconditional. “For those called according to His purpose”, He is not swayed by anything that we do or do not do. His aim is still the same. He continues to do what is best for us. And what is best for us is to grow increasingly more like Christ. It is best for us to become even more dependent on and trusting of Him.  We like to think that Romans 8:28 means that God is going to handle every bad thing and turn it around for us. God will handle everything but He may allow it to be “bad” for awhile or even a lifetime in order to refine us and conform us to the image of His son.

And this is where we tune out. We are guilty of creating extremes. Everyone knows someone or has seen someone who is out there on the fringe, real zealots who have perverted the Bible to fit their hatred filled, legalistic agenda. It’s why you see people who murder others in the name of God. That is wrong. However, it is just as wrong to create teddy bear version of God who does nothing but hand out blessings and favor. It is idolatry to create and worship a version of God who never chastens, never rebukes, never does anything to which you don’t agree. God is loving and gracious and merciful for sure. But do not allow those precious gifts to cause you to forget the very awesome and powerful God we serve. Do not castrate God and render Him impotent in your thinking. The Bible speaks to Him being a jealous God, one that will do what it takes to rescue us from the hands of sin and death. Do we honestly think that a God who would sacrifice His own son for the worthless bits of dust we are would just hang around and allow us to continue on in our sinfulness? Do we honestly think it is all peace and prosperity from here on out?

Paul was one of the most devoted servants of God. He understood so much more of God than most of us ever will (by of our choice, not God’s). And yet God rewarded His total devotion and sacrifice with suffering and trials. Paul was beaten, shipwrecked, jailed and ultimately killed for preaching the gospel, for being obedient. And this has happened since that time and continues to happen today.  If this is what happens to Paul, one of God’s most devoted, why do we assume our lives should be any different? What prideful people we are! We live in this amazing country where God is so readily accessible to us. We can show up at church anytime we want. And not just any church, but the one of our choice. We are not beaten. We are not arrested and tortured until we recant. We are not killed or made to face any kind of recrimination for our faith. But millions of Christians in other parts of the world face this scenario every day of their lives. And we have the audacity to relish in our luxuries, our freedoms, our opportunities and then resist God? Why is it millions of others will risk their life to attend a secret church and yet we are afraid to share our faith for fear that someone will look at us funny? Where did we find this idea that life as a Christian is supposed to be easy, pain free and glamorous? Where did this notion that real Christianity included materialism and status and comfort come from? Since when did loving and serving God become about being safe? Why has Christianity in America become equivalent with pursuing the American dream?

Christ suffered. He was beaten and tortured. His flesh was ripped from his body. He was mocked and spit upon. And the Bible says that we should not expect to be treated any better. Yet we do. As Christians, we are going to struggle. If God is going to work things out for our good, we are going to suffer. And it is foolish of us to look at those suffering elsewhere and think we know anything about it. I know people in this country who have had some very bad things happen to them. They have suffered and continue to face hardships greater than I have ever known. Yet even these people have been spared the horrors and continued suffering of the majority of people in this world. And knowing how fortunate we are should drive us into the arms of God with such shame and humility that the floor will not be low enough for us. But it doesn’t. And please know that I am guilty as well, that I preach this reminder to myself as well. We don’t have any place, any right to expect anything less than what others face. If we do not yield, if we do not welcome and embrace the trials, the sufferings God’s puts in our life in order to conform us to Christ’s image, then we really do not love God. We love ourselves and our idols. We have to trust and believe in the sovereignty of God. We have to live lives that demonstrate our complete faith by loving and serving even in the midst of circumstances- no matter how bad they may become. He cannot just be God when things are good. We cannot only praise Him when there is money in the bank and we have our health. He cannot be our genie of blessing. We have to allow ourselves to truly know Him and the beauty that comes from a life that is refined and purified by the refiner’s fire or else we will have missed everything and end this life with nothing. We cannot continue to preach that to accept Christ is to sign up for a life of prosperity and ease. We have to have compassion for those who are suffering. We have to love them and share their burdens and not look on them as if we are better than they or that we do not deserve the same. We have to welcome the workings of God without fear, without contempt, and truly trust that He is in control and knows better than we what is best for us. It is not an easy task that is set before us but it is one that is imperative that we complete.

God's Prerogative

¹⁴What shall we say then?^(A) Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means! ¹⁵For he says to Moses,^(B) "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." ¹⁶So then it depends not on human will or exertion,^[a] but on God, who has mercy. ¹⁷For the Scripture says to Pharaoh,^(C) "For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." ¹⁸So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.
 ¹⁹You will say to me then, "Why does he still find fault? For^(D) who can resist his will?" ²⁰But who are you, O man,^(E) to answer back to God?^(F) Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this?" ^21(G) Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump^(H) one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? ²²What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience^(I) vessels of wrath^(J) prepared for destruction, ²³in order to make known^(K) the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he^(L) has prepared beforehand for glory—  Romans 9:14-23

God’s prerogative is exactly that- His prerogative. Sometimes as people, whose natural inclination it is to be selfish, we mistakenly think that everything is about us.  And that kind of thinking can make us somewhat arrogant…and wrong.  We begin to misunderstand our place and forget who we are.  We are the clay, the pot and not the potter. 

We live in a great country. We have freedoms that are greater than any other country. Those freedoms came at a price, to the people who fought for them, to the people who have and still defend them. Those freedoms were ultimately given by God for us. And I consider the greatest benefit to be the freedom to worship and express my faith publically without fear of harm or recrimination. There are many who are not afforded the same freedom. But to our detriment, these freedoms have made us lazy, complacent and ungrateful. We now have a sense of entitlement that extends far beyond the freedoms afforded to us. Mistakenly we have extended our entitlement towards God. We have allowed ourselves to consider ourselves equal with God.

We will flatly deny this when pressed. Our words will be a mock humility and insincere reverence. And in the best cases we may be able to truthfully claim ignorance to our true selves but it is not a just excuse. God’s prerogative is God’s prerogative. We often cry out at God when we do not understand. We misquote, misshape and pervert His words claiming to know better than He what He meant to say. We cry foul and question His actions. If it does not make sense, if it is not to our liking or to our will we say that it cannot be of God. We take our designs and dreams and press them into something we can claim is His will when in reality it is anything but. We ignore page after page of scripture in order to create an image of God we can be comfortable with.  In The Mortification of Sin, John Owen writes, “When we consider the very being of God, we find ourselves so far from the true knowledge of it that we cannot come up with the right words and expressions. As we seek to meditate in our minds and frame thought about God as we do about other objects of thinking, we fall so far short that we make an idol in our mind and worship a god of our own making, and not the true God that has made us.”

All of this amounts to our belief that it is our place to question and judge God. When we will not bring ourselves to the place where we trust Him and are humbly submitted to Him, we will rebel and question Him. We are the clay and the clay does not rebel against the potter. The clay molds into the shape of the potter’s choosing.  The clay yields and submits to the vision of the potter. We should resemble the clay. Paul says,”²⁰But who are you, O man, to answer back to God?” Who are we to question the ways of the creator of all things? Who are we to say things like unfair, unjust and wrong when faced with the ways of God? Who are we to demand anything of Him who owes us nothing but death? Who are we to look upon Him with anything but fear, trembling, humility and thankfulness?

It is understandable that we may not understand. And it is understandable that our very sinful nature will rebel at the reshaping to His will. It is understandable that we may be disquieted with His ways while growing in our faith and learning to submit to Him. However, it is not acceptable to allow ourselves to continue on in the blasphemous arrogance that we should question Him.

It is really a revealing of our true wickedness. None of us are good and this is evidence of that fact. It is arrogance and pride that does not see justice and deserving in our lives. That God treats us in any way other than what we deserve should bring gratefulness. Yet we see grace and mercy as a right, an expectation and not a gift. We see God as wrong if He does anything that we do not agree with. We say, “Surely a loving and just God would not…” as if God is somehow bound by our ideas of fairness and unilateral action. What is it to us that He does whatever He chooses? He is God and we are to submit, obey, love and serve Him no matter the outcomes of our lives. It is not up to us to dictate the terms on anything concerning God.  We are but a speck compared to Him. And despite our wickedness, He continues to love us. This fact says everything about Him and nothing about us. And it is that thought that can rid us of the arrogance that is in us.

The Best Birthday Gifts

   So another birthday. I have been blessed to have 34 of them now. Some birthdays have been great...sweet 16 and a 1986 Oldsmobile Calais...still my favorite car. My 25th with a bunch of great college kids and a spiritually phenomenal Third Day Concert. How many people get to worship with thousands of people of their birthday? And some have been less fabulous. I think birthday 10 or 11, I came home after anticipating fried chicken and Publix birthday cake all day only to throw up and be sick with the stomach flu. 30 was a little anti-climactic. We ate out and then Dale went back to work on the church until late into the night. I think that year we didn't even have enough money for presents. Needless to say...there have been a lot of birthdays. However, this year I received something phenomenal.
   Several years ago I finally began to understand that it is not such a good idea (and also not fair) to focus all your value and worth on this one day.  It's not an accurate measure of the blessings and beauty of my life nor of the people in it. Instead, I started to look around me. After that very sad and sorry 30th birthday God and i worked through some issues. I look now at the other 364 days in the year. And I measure the beauty and richness of those relationships in my life based on the whole year rather than just one day.
   Having said this, on this particular birthday I was surprised! I awoke to not only to two little girls, a husband and a mom who were excited about the fact that I was ever born...but numerous text messages and Facebook wishes for a happy birthday. And then my husband had planned a surprise party in which many of my friends drove over 30 minutes to come and spend time with me. I was humbled. I know Facebook messages and texts may seem impersonal but to me they seemed monumental. Someone had taken an extra two minutes to wish me well. And while one could argue that Gainesville isn't really that far....on a week night it is! Many of those people had been up early, worked all day, had pressing things to do and not a lot of money to spend eating out....and yet they came because they loved me enough to do so.  How amazing a gift for me to have those kind of people in my life. God has blessed me something far greater than anything material....but instead with the gift of a community...of a family not limited to flesh and blood.  And I know where this blessing comes from. I know it is something I do not deserve. And it is a beautiful reminder of the God I serve and His love for us. We do not deserve His love and affection. We have no right to His protection and provision. We have only earned death and yet this awesome creator of the universe sees fit to grant me grace and love in ways as overwhelming as my birthday wishes everyday of my life.
  So thank you dear Father in heaven for this birthday and your most awesome gifts. The first of community and the people you have placed in my life.  And second for the beautiful reminders to never take those people or your gift of grace for granted.

Falling Short and Finding God at the Dollar General

 Last week a woman walked into our church in the middle of our small group. As usual, she asked to speak to the pastor. Our church is located at a major intersection of a national highway so we get a lot of people who walk in looking for help. This particular woman had a small child. Dale asked her to wait while we finished the small group. After group, Dale informed me that myself and someone else would be accompanying her to the Dollar General to help her purchase a predetermined amount of food and necessities.
   Okay, let me just go ahead upfront and confess something to you. I was not excited by this opportunity for service. I probably made a face and might have said something very unholy like, "Do I have to?". I'll explain why my spirit didn't leap with abounding joy at the chance to serve Jesus by serving another. I have never had a good experience with this sort of thing (not that your enjoyment should determine when you will serve Jesus). It is uncomfortable, awkward, humbling for all of us and well it makes my stomach curl up into a very tight knot. This time was no different.
  We start walking around the store. The woman is asking me if she can get this or that. We try to help her find things. She keeps mentioning how much I am approved to spend. She continues to ask if she can get this or that.I add it up...it's like I am the only person that can add numbers together. I feel like the wizard of Oz and she is Dorothy only with a 19 month old little boy instead of a small fury dog. And instead of a ride home, she is asking for the meager contents of the Dollar General and I am denying her with menace and fire all the while cowering behind my very expensive Nike shoes ( I do a lot of exercise. It is a ministry. I take care of my feet- but my need to justify that to you is another issue for another blog :))
  I have thought before that perhaps it is a humiliating experience for these poor people as well. I have tried to imagine having to humble yourself to come and ask others for food and diapers. I have tried to feel what it must be like to be reliant on the kindness of a stranger to feed your child. As a mother, I can really feel moved by their plight. But let me move you back to what is happening at the Dollar General ( and what has happened to me before).
   We continue to move about the store, her asking, me continuing to add  and report the remaining amount. I honestly try to not look at what we are purchasing because I know it will invariably lead me to judging this person. And tonight it is very hard as we've selected all sorts of things and we are at a whopping $5.00 left for food. I wander behind feeling pretty low about myself because I can't get behind this "labor of love". I know I am being used. I knew when we got into the car that this person had told Dale and myself whatever sad story they thought would guilt us out of some help. It happens every time. It is happening now and it is rubbing me. And the rub hurts somewhere on the inside. I am ashamed that I feel disgusted by the whole thing- the lies, the manipulation and most of all by the fact that I see myself here. I see me and Jesus. I know this could be a depiction of me on so many occasions. He could write this blog about me100 times over. And this isn't a new thought but sometimes old thoughts can come back around and burrow their way into a very soft and vulnerable place in your heart. And tonight this thought finds a place in me. And I realize why I am so bothered. I can clearly see in this moment how far apart Jesus and I are. I never had illusions that people would confuse me with Christ. But sometimes you get this glimpse of the vast chasm that lies between who you are and who He is. I know I am bad and rotten and selfish to the core but some days the Holy Spirit helps you to see how deep the pit goes. It is bottomless in case you were wondering.
  I am standing in the store realizing that I can and do use Jesus all the time and He never gets upset at being used. He never feels violated by my attempted manipulations. And He never takes offense at my hollow promises. He doesn't feel this pressing need to tell me that I am not fooling Him. He doesn't have a driving desire to be right. But I do. I have all these things and I realize it is not the woman but my own sin making me sick.
  I'll finish the story. There is a snickering friend of the woman who sobers up when I see her laughing. I assume it's at me, playing the part of the fool. There is a nicer car than Dale's and people waiting. There are pleas for prayer and promises of a return...("I'm coming to church."). But I know better. They say it every time. And besides those words are pretty familiar to my lips as well...maybe not the church bit but well "I am..." or "I will...". Just fill in the blank.
 At this point I am pretty much just slinking around. In terms of Amber, that was a pretty stinky day: A failed attempt at kindness and mercy, a gentle rebuke by the Holy Spirit and gnawing truth all over me. However, spiritually I gained so much: A deeper appreciation for my Savior, an ever growing awareness of my sin and an invitation to draw closer to Him.

Who's following me?

   We are a ministry family. I am a pastor's wife. We planted a church 5 years ago. And so it is established now and God is growing it. We have two services and some large commitments. Often it feels lonely and overwhelming and unsure. I wish I could say that I am always confident in our direction and God's leading. I wish that I could give an awesome testimony of unwavering faith and immediate obedience. I wish that I could say that I am content in God alone and need no one but Him. But I cannot do any of those things. I am often fearful and unsure, questioning and unfaithful, doubting searching and looking for some one to go with me, to give me answers and reassurance. I know that I have been given the Holy Spirit and all of His power of assurance, guidance and direction. And we meet up at times. There are days when He feels like my closest friend and only confidant. I desire Him above all others. But those days are few and far between. I wish they were more continuous and regular.
  And so I struggle. I sin and look around me. I find myself looking around at others and judging. I get angry at their refusal to commit to my journey. I want them to come along and to agree with me. I get upset if I am going alone. And as holy as I want to see myself, as committed and dedicated , sacrificial, I am not. I am sad, insecure and afraid. In reality, I am angry at their refusal to validate me, to say I am right, to meet my needs. That is not their job and it is a sin to even look for those things from them. Instead I should be looking ahead and being obedient even if it means I go alone with only the validation and assurance of my Lord.
   How can ever show others the grace of God and that he is worth the sacrifice when I am looking behind and questioning? Oh ye of little faith....Oh my little faith. If He's enough, if He is faithful, then my life will be about following Him and not about who's following me.